Young Love

I’m now 50 and I believe I’ve been in true love with four different woman in my life. Each of those times felt like a whirlwind romance, feeling excited about each of them, especially in the early stages. Those feelings of wanting to be together forever. Loving being around someone so much that it consumes your thoughts. Being playful. Loving kissing. Loving touching them, discovering their body. For me, those relationships occurred when I was around ages 16, 22, 37 and 42.

For all four of those women, I wasn’t worried about much other than that I liked their personality, I was physically attracted to them. And I enjoyed being around them, talking to them. Pretty simple. There weren’t really many other requirements.

Now that I’m 50, it feels so more complicated. Those three basic requirements exist but now there’s two more. They must be emotionally stable and they must be financially stable. I don’t want to take on financially taking care of someone. And I don’t want drama in my life. When I think about dealing with either, I think that I’d rather be on my own for the rest of my life. I really do wish it was more simple but I remember days of dealing with drama. And I remember days of feeling like I was constantly worried about money. I don’t want to go back to either of those things.

But realizing this fact makes me sad and concerned that adding these two barriers might be too much and it greatly decreases my chances of finding love for a 5th time.

I started having these thoughts when I saw a music video for a song I really enjoy: Don’t Delete the Kisses by Wolf Alice. I always thought it was such a sweet song. It was clearly written by someone who was falling in love at the time. And the video nails it. Quick shots of a young couple on trains and busses over time, flirting, playing, smiling, touching, embracing, kissing. Total focus on one another without a care of the outside world. It’s those feelings I had when I was falling in love with these four women at times during my life. And with a backtrack of this cute and sweet song. My heart aches to be in this situation again but breaks knowing it’s unlikely. My conditions are too high and too steep and I don’t think I’m willing to compromise.